a crutch down memory lane!

I finally figured it out... the problem with my madness! my whole life i have been working! i am a hard worker and there is nothing wrong with that, actually that is a good things. However i finally learned that i have been working for the wrong reasons. I have been working to make money and then using the money to build a life with kel. It took a 3 1/2 hour ER visit for me to learn that my hard work is not paying off because i am not working hard enough at the right things.

Yesterday i wen to the ER. I have been having some hip pain for the past three years. since my ankle surgery my hip has not functioned right. i went to the doctors a few times and chiropractor multiple times and it helped for a bit then things would get worse. yesterday i finally hit the worse point, and Kel took me to the ER. while there i had my blood pressure taken and it was abnormally high, even for me 9a person with ridiculously high blood pressure0. that scared me, and it scared Kel even more. after x rays and shots i found out i pulled some muscles and sprained my hip, got put on pain meds and sent on my way.

This whole thing brought back the whole ordeal i went through last time. the 5 years of random ER visits with "sprained" ankles that finally resulted in surgery. the surgery completely melted my life down, made me stop working for 6 months, put me in a wheel chair. The 6 months of being layed up taught me who my true friends were and made it so i never went through a "party" phase in life. It cost me some awesome relationships, and was HELL for 6 months and then another 6 months to rebuild my life. I gained over 75 pounds and am still trying to physically deal with the repercussions. Those are all the negative things that they never tell you when they say surgery is the best scenario. Yeah a lot of good came out of it, but to this day i am still trying to figure out my life because of this surgery.

i am not saying that i did not learn a lot. i really did. i am so glad to be where i am at today. however, physically and mentally it is a lot to deal with! i know my health sucks! for a 22 year old to be having hip problems, constant doctor visits, high blood pressure, and other things is scary.  i feel like i am a 22 years old alive and well girl trapped in a 65 year old body that can't keep up!

the worst part is, i feel like it is all starting again. except this time i have the future i am building with Kel in jeopardy. We both are so excited to be getting married, but i am to the point where my only goal is to actually WALK down the isle. i refuse to crutch, limp, rolls or be carried down the isle. such a small thing for most people, but right now it's the only thing i want! i know i can handle anything life throws because Kel is there to help me! i know we will be happy no matter what happens and that our life together will be great. All i need is for the next 3 months to hurry up!