i watch WAY too much TV!

Kel and i were making Christmas cards and there was quite the little conversation going on. First of all there are SO MANY different kinds of Christmas Cards. The choices we wanted to narrow it down a bit from a card with yearly updates or just a postcard. As we were talking i realized i COULD NOT positively do a card with yearly updates for multiple reasons:

1. everyone i would send one to i talk to regularly so therefore it would be useless to recap things
2. i feel it would have to be cutesy or rhyme and come on, no thanks
3. finally i realized we don't have good news right now to share and pass. Everything i want to share (Cecelia turning one, i got a part time job at a retail store, kel starts school in january, we finally got pictures hung on the wall) are not christmas card material OR have a really despressing memory behind them.

I recapped the year for us and although we have a lot to be thankful for and are truly blessed in so many ways, this year has been the worst and hardest of my life. I am truly a different person than i was in 2014 and have dealt with SO MUCH physically and emotionally and with my little family recapping it is exhausting. So we went with just a cute postcard and quick blessing to all.

So as i thought about my year, all we have been through and all that has happened i examined where we are at RIGHT NOW! For 5 months i feel like we have been sitting in the depression and despair that is our life. The past week we have started to rebuild and return to ourselves.

My part time job (which is great, i really enjoy it. it's not my dream job or a career i ever pictured but it's what i have now and for that i am grateful) has allowed us to pay bills (finally). That alone is a comfort that i can work with. It's not much but it's more than we had a month ago.

I am feeling better about my miscarriage. It still sucks, but i am on the tail end of the grieving process. I see baby stuff and instead of immediately crying, getting bitter or angry or shutting down i can look how cute it is and enjoy it. The fear of getting pregnant again is still very strong, but Kel and I are in no hurry to expand and honestly are just enjoying our goof ball one year old.  Three major things have happened in the past week that have really hit me and made me realized how to process, grieve and move on.

• The Voice- a tv show i keep up with. there was a song that one of the contestants sang dedicated to his wife. He said they have had it rough but come through it and things are changing and they made it. i BAWLED HISTERICALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i felt like this wa smy life he was talking about and i realized that kel and i have been thought SERIOUS stuff but there is a light in the tunnel and things are changing for the better. LOOK IT UP, BAWL YOUR FACE OFF, YOU WILL FEEL GREAT! 
• The Biggest Loser -(ok ok i watch a bit of TV, sue me). One of the contestants got to go home for a week and workout with Jillian. She talked about grieving and accepting the loss so you can move on. again i started BAWLING and realized she was so right and i learned to move on.
• Pandora.com- best music listening radio station there is. I have been listening to it at work and the music had been exactly what i needed. i've had so much time to reflect and really use the music to express my feelings.

Which is the final thing that has been singing in joy for once instead of pouting and throwing a pity party. Kel and i have been through a lot in the two years we have been married. We got married, got pregnant, moved into a house, had a baby, found out she has food allergies and relearned a lifestyle, got pregnant again, lost my job, lot the baby, cecelia turned one, got a job and now we are here. It's been one thing (good or bad) after the other and we have come through so much stronger than before. I feel like in two short years we have climbed mountains and swam across oceans together. It's been hard but we love each other so much more now than we ever thought possible. For at least two weeks we have stopped struggling to keep up with life and just started enjoying it.

I feel like a huge weight ahs been lifted of my shoulders, and in perfect time. Advent is here and i am starting this season on a new leaf. It's a perfect time to reflect, pray, grown and anticipate with joy the birht of Jesus, and for once i am doing all of these. I am content and at peace with life and instead of dwelling on the bad i am looking forward to good things to come.

i know a lot of people struggling out there right, crazy things happen. They have my prayers and i pray that they find peace like i did and let this season heal their hearts and lift their worries.